You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
