I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize