her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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