my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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