I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
