I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
cat food counts as protein by the way
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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