I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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