T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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