i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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