I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
