Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
