I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
