The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I smell like Dick and happiness
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