So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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