okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
