I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
