I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
