I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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