Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
