My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
