I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
