I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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