do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
