How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
