I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
