it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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