normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
