Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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