just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
