is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
