life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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