I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
