She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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