I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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