Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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