you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
