I seem to have left my pride at pride
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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