I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
