i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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