i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
