did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
