Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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