Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
