My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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