My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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