this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
