shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
