dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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