I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
