just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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