i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
