and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
