I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
