peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
