Soap is not a condiment
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I understand Curling. That high.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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