Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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